Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Designer tee shirts

I came to the unhappy conclusion that occasionally, Mauritanian children are merely uncouth little versions of their parents. Uninhibited by social boundaries, RIM kids launch easily into inquiries that would otherwise be reserved for more intimate relations than passing strangers: are you married? Do you have kids? Are you a virgin? All within the two-minute commute to class, screamed from a tire swing by voices unfamiliar and seemingly uncaring. Fare from a greeting laced with curiosity or even a hello peppered with unintentionally insulting questions, my Sabuallan sabeyiin (children) go for the jugular. They barely await a response, since the goal is in the asking, not answering.

I am learning both resilience and diversion tactics, the best of which is to fire back the same questions. Asking a seven year old “candak mint?” (do you have a daughter?) is sufficiently baffling that I’m halfway to class by the time my would-be interviewers recover their wits. If my strange response doesn’t catch them off guard, it at least tickles their funny bone, and I’d always prefere a chuckle to confusion.

As to other solutions, undoubtedly necessary in Atar, a city whose source of children is inexhaustible, I am thinking of a secondary project of silk screening tee shirts. My first batch would read:

Wallahi, ele maa candi rajil, laa ishshashra, laa cadeau. We nte?
(Nope, don’t have a man, or kids, or a present. Do you?)

Monday, August 28, 2006

Screening calls more difficult than flies

What a blur this weekend has been. This past month has been. EE model school was Saturday, was success. To see a “real” class situation was nothing if surprising. The lesson plan preparation, students’ responses, teachers’ questions, volunteers’ involvement in games and learning – I could have predicted none of it. Eventually I would have been introduced to the Mauritanian educational system, but I am thankful to have been seated next to my coordinator during my first exposure. Keith communicates enthusiasm and confidence like a disease; if he couldn’t answer our questions, he at least shared in our confusion. As much as I want to fly, the sky looks ominous from my nested vantage point.

And number one reason to fear leaving the nest: gender relations. Characteristically, I goofed another male-female interaction, a recurring and I’m afraid enduring issue. After only fifteen minutes, my assigned counterpart in model school asked for my number. Although my coordinator offered sage advice – give him the wrong number – I caved when Yebde caught me with my phone in hand. Great, he said in Hassaniye, I will call you right now and test the number. Guess he was savvy to the wrong number tactic.

He has since called five times. In one week.

It’s not that I mind ignoring advances or screening my calls, but I worry that professional relationships will be thusly impossible with male counterparts in Atar. I was wholly prepared for rejection due to cultural differences and yet-unachieved integration. I could not have predicted that my inappropriate behavior and RIM-naivete would result in proposals and come-ons. Surely, I could have withstood rejection better than this constant unsolicited attention. Likewise, I could support “unwanted harassment” à la Peace Corps trainee videos from strangers better than deliberate, directed affection from coworkers. Not sure how this will pan out… maybe I’ll just buy a new SIM card?

Lesson plans went so smashingly, Keith rewarded his EE girls with the zenith of Mauritanian eats: pizza. Three of them. We were gluttonous pigs and we didn’t share and we didn’t feel bad. Indigestion notwithstanding.

For all my anxiety, CBT animations elicited much praise from our coordinators, but my self denigrating tendencies lead me to question their approval. Was tree transplanting successfully presented or was my ego was mercifully stroked? Was our Hassaniye coherent or were we simply humored by Peace Corps and Sabualla alike? The truth may never surface, but it’s just as well: whether I did ok or failed miserably, my ability will be laid naked in Atar. And I suspect I’ll find my footing just in time for me to COS1 and relinquish my position to the next volunteer.



1: COS, another blessed acronym, stands for close of service, that fateful day when I turn in my hippie Peace Corps badge and return to the daily grind of corporate America. Mine happens to be 28 Sept 2006.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Fencing isn’t perpetual, unless it’s a circular field

I went to the fields with my mom this weekend, taking advantage of an opportunity to spend time with my family in their element and to contemplate sustainability in development.

Since I arrived in Sabualla, my mom has been trying to communicate her lifelong dream to have a garden of her own with date palms and mango trees, adlegaan (cowpeas) and kilkash (melons). It would not be enough to work in a Sabuallan coop, of which there are two; she wants an oasis in her backyard, protected from livestock by meters of perfect, shiny, metal fencing. If only I had fencing, she says like a child eyeing a bike in a toy store window, I could have a huge huge huge garden. I finally conveyed to her that PCVs don’t work for money (hence the whole volunteer thing), but she is convinced, when I am patron (rich land owner, verging on pimp in translation) in the US, I can call her cell phone every day and send her money for fencing.

Her aunt has fencing and her cowpeas are plentiful and unharassed by donkeys. With this successful example of fenced gardening, Teitta surely knows the advantages, i.e. she does not want griyaj (fence) for griyaj sake. So the question is, how can I help in a sustainable way? Can I afford fencing, either now or later? If so, should I buy her some even if I can’t continue to do this over decades? In buying her “fish,” am I preventing her from learning to fish herself? If I simply provide her this luxury with no work necessary on her part, will she maintain it or patiently wait for the next gullible trainee? How can I support her enthusiasm without just throwing money at her?... Clearly, my questioning phase is still in full throttle…

Since when is “idealistic” pejorative?

I have been thinking more and more about development, now a near obsession sandwiched between the [insert nongovernmental organization] debacle and CBT animations. I want Sunday (due date for animations) to be more than a linguistic exercise, something beyond a test of my own technical expertise. How amazing would it be, I wonder, if our families could actually learn something?

How improbable, my rational self answers. How unnecessary, fellow volunteers answer. How idealistic, Peace Corps staff answers. Do the animation, don’t screw up your Hassaniye, don’t expect comprehension or interest on behalf of the locals.

Belatedly, I realize the animation’s purpose: a chance to screw up before animating on site. In this new knowledge, I am overcome with guilt, with unrealistic expectations. Deduction indicates that the entirety of training was for this exact purpose, combat with blanks. It fuels my nagging suspicion that Peace Corps is taking advantage of our CBT sites. True, our village benefits culturally from our presence, but from a developmental perspective, we are perpetually dangling carrots that do not exist.

Trainees practice PACA with no intention of following up on requests for technical assistance. We record their most pressing environmental concerns, but present solutions to half-interested PC staff in the theoretical safety of the Kaedi training center. My guilt would be at least marginally assuaged if we could provide them just forty minutes worth of useful information in the pedagogical format of animations.

I suppose my hope, my silent plea is that the trainees vi Sabualla one, care enough to prepare a quality presentation, and two, muster the linguistic capacity to deliver something comprehensible. Even if we only live here for two more weeks, our animations might be longer lived, inshallah.

80% chance precipitation, 95% chance integration

Today, I was feeling unintegrated, not in that exasperated antisocial way, but more in that slightly eccentric restless way. I decided thus to buck social norms and play in the rain.

Mauritania is in the desert. I know this much is obvious to our geographically enlightened readers, but it bears repeating. Especially since I have observed a morbid fear of rain chez les Mauritaniens. If there were grocery stores and meteorological reports (and televisions for that matter), forecasts of sprinkles would send Sabualla residents racing to clear shelves of toilet paper (if that existed here…) and bottled water (ok, the metaphor is a stretch). In a climate where temperatures peak one hundred every day, people run from a cooling drizzle.

And run they did. When the rain started, only the livestock scattered more quickly than my family, running for overhangs and dry tent flaps. I looked skyward, smiled, and sat on the yellow hsera in the rain.

Eventually, my little sister (eight years old and thus unencumbered by socially-constructed shame) joined me. We cackled madly as the rain soaked our clothes through, happy to be uncharacteristically chilled in this usually arid wasteland. The adults in my family looked on in curious confusion and reluctant jealousy. Separate as I was from my peers, it was a moment of pure friendship and giggly integration with Khadijetou sqiire. These bonding moments are so much sweeter when unexpected, unplanned like Saharan downpours.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Iron Chef would have my head

I am a cooking fool. And by cooking fool I mean clownish but optimistic culinary failure. My skills are so subpar, whether in a modern American kitchen or over a Mauritanian gas stove. Like many volunteers, I optimistically listed “learn to cook” as one of my goals here in country. To that end, the trainees of Sabualla gave the domestic thing a shot last Tuesday, with horrendous results. Laughably horrendous, but horrendous nonetheless. After a quick trip to the Boghe market, we assembled at Donna’s house with bleached vegetables, soaked beans and melting butter. Our envisioned meal was spaghetti and garlic bread; our actual meal was macaroni the consistency of glue, crunchy vegetables swimming in a kilo of tomato paste (we thought we had bought peeled tomatoes) and stale bread dipped in liquid butter. We could barely eat over the shameful giggles – the meal was much more fun than edible.

Today was my chance for redemption. After hearing the story of failed spaghetti, Teitta made my culinary education her top priority. My host mom was going to teach me to cook. Great, I thought, some indigenous knowledge and a Mauritania-friendly recipe, exactly what I’ll need to survive in Atar. Luckily, I was an excellent student and prepared everything to Teitta’s standards. Unluckily, the meal she chose to teach was nothing short of revolting: maaru we il ham during a food shortage, i.e. overcooked rice with goat guts, no veggies. My lunch guests were ravenous and appreciative (zeyn hatte!) but I could barely eat my own concoction. Tomorrow, Teitta and I tackle nshe together. I’m not sure how I could foul up Mauritanian cream of wheat but I’ll not underestimate my own talents.

Monday, August 21, 2006

A flash in the development pan

This afternoon, [insert nongovernmental organization] graced Sabualla with:

1. a brief nutrition seminar,
2. a cloud of dust behind a speeding (and incidentally Peace Corps-white) 4-wheel vehicle,
3. and a good dose of small town drama.

Details are unclear, but apparently only half the village was invited, leaving the other half (my family included) less than pleased. Really, details are unnecessary; the take home point has less to do with specific Sabuallan politics and more to do with development in general.

I wonder how many hours and dollars were spent on this nutrition campaign, only to end up with more hostility than information conveyed. Seeing [insert nongovernmental organization] storm in with their safari clothes, loud cars and fancy notebooks (read: logo-ridden propaganda, distributed like so many cadeaus) gave me a guilty sense of superiority. After all, I am Peace Corps, an organization focused on sustainable development and community-driven, grass-roots initiatives. Until I remembered I too had arrived in a noisy vehicle, decked out in a skirt bought in Philadelphia.

Perhaps Peace Corps sets itself apart and redeems itself through the unique goal of cultural integration. In a way, we aim for reciprocated development, that of the village and that of the volunteer. My greatest wish is to effect change on both fronts, in myself and Sabualla (and eventually Atar). My greatest fear is to be little more than a flash in the development pan, an unwelcome and uninformative distraction from what would otherwise be normal Mauritanian life. True, I’ll not change the world, or even the Gorgol, but if I could proudly serve as a link in a long chain of semi-effective volunteers, that would be enough.

So, how can I play my little part in successful development? A weighty inquiry to tackle just days before our CBT animations.1,2 Nothing like adding manufactured pressure to already frayed nerves right? But this stress is relevant to our animations. Even if it is just a training exercise, I don’t want our presentations to have a [insert nongovernmental organization] effect. After I leave Sabualla, I pray that more than half the town remembers me fondly and no one uses my fancy notebooks as flyswatters.



1: CBT is Community Based Training, or the ten weeks prior to the two years of service in our permanent sites.

2: Animation is one of many Peace Corps-isms. This term – not English, not French – means presentation, usually one given in front of dozens of foreigners who do not speak English and cannot understand your garbled [insert local language]. Often, you do an animation with the help of a translator, i.e. a local who does not speak English and cannot understand your garbled [insert local language]. Successful animations are those that are either short or include a break (or three) for mint tea. More importantly, successful animations are required of trainees before we are sworn in as volunteers.

If you’ve been paying attention, you might also remember the terms stagaire (trainee), stage (training), refectoire (cafeteria) and affectation (placement of a volunteer to his or her permanent site). All stolen from French, all ubiquitous in PCV speech. We like our acronyms and made up frenchie words. I should really make a glossary for my constant reader.

If happy and crazy had a love child

back in Sabualla

Bipolar as my existence tends to be, I am making an attempt – in certain areas – to strike a balance. My quest for the middle ground is framed by two of today’s happenings: a melifa presentation and an afternoon garden visit.

My family this morning was all smiles when I stepped out of my room in a new Kaedi dyed melifa. Teitta could hardly contain herself as she applauded my fashion sense and proclaimed me Mauritanian for the day. The enthusiastic reception confirmed both my decision to wear the melifa at all and my decision to wait a few weeks before unveiling my veil, as it were.

Confirmation was welcome since the melifa is a tricky beast. These full-body veils are usually administered by force, host mom tenderly restraining you while sisters wrap you head to toe in nine yards of cloth. For a Mauritanian volunteer, it is the equivalent of a tattoo: once inked, you can’t easily go back. Each day thereafter, the skimpy three yards of long skirt and head scarf is painfully inadequate; your family expects more. Like it or not. Because I actively decided to wear a melifa, though, I could embrace it on my own schedule. Because I deliberately (miraculously) delayed the event, I was not fulfilling my family’s expectations but rather giving them a gift. That, and I was practicing for the inevitable melifa required in the conservative city of Atar.

Strange then, that volunteers in Atar do not wear melifas. Reeling is a forceful word, but I am certainly processing my revised fashion destiny. Why such shock? Why not relief? Initially, I thought it was the loss of an expectation: I had already resigned myself to the unwieldy mass of fabric and now had to adjust back to Old Navy skirts. I quickly realized though, clothing was not the issue. The issue was culture.

Why don’t we have to wear melifas? Why is it acceptable to reject local culture, especially for something as clear-cut as appropriate dress? My fellow volunteers and trainees were quick with a response: we don’t like melifas and we just collectively refuse. Implicit in this unanimous reply was a request verging on threat: don’t cave in to the melifa and ruin it for all future volunteers. When I proposed wearing a mix of local and American clothing, I received only hostile glares.

Which brings me to balance. I can understand occasional resistance to the melifa; even the simplest activities become agonizing events with so much extra fabric. I bear witness to difficulties from the khyme to the garden. But if clothing plays a role in integration, why should we make no effort? Why should I be chastised for participating in Mauritanian culture? Isn’t that why we are here? Each time I search for advice on this subject, I am instructed not to “ruin it for all of us” and each time I consult my gut, it is either silent or indecisive.

Awaiting melifa resolution, I’ll move on to the second happening of the day that revolves about the issue of balance. Tonight, the trainees visited our plots for the first time in two weeks. We expected dried up watermelons or half goat-eaten cowpeas or maybe under watered tree seedlings. What we found, however, was largely unexpected: our small gardens almost entirely tilled over. Granted, my yields were short of spectacular, a meager spread of cowpeas and an okra or two. But what remained resembled the aftermath of an agricultural apocalypse. Burms destroyed, okra and the start of small peanuts buried, grass and dirt chunks littered everywhere. Erin’s loss was more pronounced; she mourned the death of melons, peas, carrots and almost sprouted beets, two plots mercilessly tilled.

I am well aware that out plots grew on borrowed land and that we asked the cooperative to water the greenery in our absence. It is possible, nay one hundred percent probable, that their tilling efforts were well-intentioned. Hence a shrug and a helpless giggle on my part after I had a minute to digest the destruction. Regardless of intentions, this miscommunication merited a brief discussion with the coop, if only to ensure that the same thing does not happen to next year’s volunteers. Surprisingly, my site mates did not agree. “This is a good lesson for future PCTs: don’t expect to maintain a pristine plot if the land doesn’t belong to you. Let them learn the hard way, like us.”

Which brings me again to balance. Why such an extreme lesson? True, our loss was meager trivial; a few plants still remain and training is nearly over. Still, there must be a grey area between forcing the coop to sign an eighty page contract and allowing them to rip up our plots at will. Beggars should not be choosers, but are we really beggars? Although we are borrowing the land, doesn’t this community benefit from our presence? By resolving this issue with the coop, are we really robbing next year’s PCTs of a valuable lesson? Don’t we experience enough failure and loss without purposefully manufacturing it? Can there not be a mix of protection and exposure, especially during training?

I suppose I should consult the Peace Corps calendar. Clearly, I missed where “question everything” is scheduled… Despite my best efforts, I expect the onslaught of questions to continue while answers remain elusive. And I’ll take it with a slightly disoriented but persistent smile. It will be my own personal balance of happy and crazy.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

A good volunteer is a happy volunteer

Exactly one week later and no journal entries. I knew site visit would be busy, but I do wish I had written more down… where to start? I traded my healthy status in for an illness, traded the illness in for silliness (late night water fights and debaucherous parties are good medicine), traded in silly for somber as we lost another trainee to ET1.

Crystal was an agroforestry trainee, impressive with her agricultural knowledge, indispensable for her cynical wisdom and wit. She was not the first to throw in the towel, but she was the first volunteer I mourned with tears. Her departure was more shocking and sad than I would have expected. Unwelcome as it was, it prepared me for Doug’s announcement that he was ETing. Another environmental education volunteer going home. And then there were three.

I talked to both Crystal and Doug at length, offered them a listening ear, hashed out life goals, reexamined what PC service meant, pushed them to hang in a little longer… as much as I tried to convince them to stay, I’m glad I failed. By participating so intimately in their ET process, I realized two large truths:

Africa is not for everyone.
A good volunteer is a happy volunteer.

The latter truth is one I’m taking to heart, especially since my own happiness been less than effortless lately. I had so few expectations for my service, making disappointment rare if nonexistent. But after seeing what will be home for seneteyn il jaayat (the next two years) I realize expectations are unavoidable, understandable and thankfully adjustable. I started my training with a family in a small village nestled in the middle of Mauritanian nowhere. Inadvertently, my mind’s eye fabricated a similar location in which I would spend my service. Fittingly, Peace Corps chose an absolutely dissimilar location: an overwhelmingly huge, tourist-ridden city sans trees, family, rain or milk. My technical training in gardens, mudstoves and PACA anything2 now seems ill-adjusted to urban life, as does my hard-won resilience to unpasteurized milk. Somehow, I must translate my skill sets and learn how to tend my “garden” vi iddeshra (in the city). This adjustment, though thoroughly vexing to my now disoriented mind’s eye, will occur given patience and time. I think. Inshallah.

I am definitely up for the challenge, especially having met my “counterparts” in Atar. Between Nouha, Muhammed Abdelahi (school director), Zeynabou at the Girls Mentoring Center (GMC) the Adrar PCVs and the promised support of wiser third-year PCVs from Nouakchott, I know I am in good hands. While a home stay might not be in my PC future, the Adrar PCTs have already bonded into a makeshift family, with Kris claiming the ridiculously endearing namesake “Poppa.” Regionally, plans are brewing for communal meals and oases vacations. What-will-I-do-spastic-self be damned. I am happily part of a solid group of volunteers who will brave the sandstorms and relish in camel sandwiches. Ijaazi-ne b’il kheyr (may God bless us).



1: ET stands for early termination. Peace Corps is a two year commitment, but occasionally a volunteer has reason to terminate his or her service early: an illness untreatable in country, the death of a relative, a better job opportunity, or, as is usually the case during training, the realization that Africa is not as doable as previously thought. It is a phenomenon approached with caution, disgust, shame, sympathy, and other unidentifiable emotions. ET is a way out, ET is a loss, the death of a fellow trainee, a poison that reduces our numbers, a rumor that reminds us of our own fears and vulnerabilities.

2: PACA stands for Participatory Analysis for Community Action. It is a Peace Corps approach to development that encourages communities to identify and mobilize against their own problems. The volunteer thus facilitates sustainable and self-directed activities executed by and for Mauritanians. Usually, PACA activities begin by assembling community members in manageable groups, e.g. local women, men, elders, or teachers, etc. and prompting them to examine local issues and solutions. PACA aims for a consensus of ideas and a unified action plan. Easily envisioned in a small community of a few hundred people, more than daunting in a city of 30,000.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

During such good times, a mediocre day is the pits

My brain is absolutely spinning, but so are the hands on my watch… I simply cannot postpone writing a journal entry, even though I can barely think.

Since I last “posted” I officially learned my site placement, met my counterpart (she slept through the welcoming seminar – not a good sign), saw who I’ll live with for the next two years, traveled fifteen hours to Atar, shook hands with officials and played nurse o’ the north. Can’t break it all down, but site placement activities in Kaedi deserves a more thorough chronicling.

Even though I had an inkling I’d be placed up north in Atar, hearing my name called out loud, standing on the map drawn in Kaedi sand, glancing wistfully south… it all became so… real. Stereotypical as my shock sounds, I still embrace it as part of “the Peace Corps experience.” I had prepared for geographical isolation, the inevitable melifa (I had more or less gracefully wrapped myself in one for the sake of practice), the dry heat and the sand. I failed to grasp, however, the loss I’d feel seeing my closest friends park it near the Senegalese border, fifteen to thirty hours from me. Implicit in this realization was the fact that I’d spend the next two years with near strangers. Retrospectively, I know my realistic-everything-will-be-ok self had been taken hostage by my what-will-I-do-spastic self, and I was just exaggerating and overwhelmed. Regardless, the location seemed unfortunate and the company unknown and I – on display in front of fifty six other volunteers, facilitators, staff, APCDs, and coordinators – did not have access to privacy in order to react and process.

Immediately after site announcement, southern trainees dispersed to celebrate their luck (something along the lines of “Senegal here I come”) while I was whisked away to a mat full of Mauritanians to speak broken Hassaniye (I use the word “speak” very loosely) and paw through pictures of what looked like a desolate desert town entirely devoid of green. This is where you’ll live, they told me, as excited as I was devastated.

Wouldn’t you know, when it rains it pours (Saharan irony, ha) and not a few minutes after I sat down, my language tester called my name. It was not yet 6:30 but he was ready to begin my mid-stage evaluation, so let’s go, maahi mushkile, hag? Rattled and dizzy with mental exhaustion, I stumbled through the hot sand towards a table decorated ominously in notebooks and my arch nemesis, the dreaded tape recorder.

Needless to say, I left my interview only slightly more disappointed than nauseous. Mortified and linguistically humiliated, I was sure I could never face my language facilitator again. It made perfect sense then, that Brahim, my facilitator, was the first person I saw on the way back to the refectoire. I put on a strategic smile long enough to hear his reminder to fill out stage evaluations before dinner, we need them right away, maahi mushikile, hag? No problem? Sure, what is another absolutely urgent request? Jamais de problème. In fact, I’d be thrilled to evaluate training now that I’m so perfectly positioned in this bottom-of-the-barrel moment……

While searching for a (relatively) secluded location to evaluate (read: calm down, breathe) I realized the uncanny correlation between stress levels and the inaccessibility of a “safe place.” Especially frustrating was my self-constructed, now self-inflicted reputation of bubbly cheer. Unequipped with my usual giggles, I received more than a few confused glances and incredulous inquiries, as if the trainees would sooner question the earth’s rotation than my perennial optimism.

Just writing about it is embarrassing and alien, so contrary to the me I have embraced here in Mauritania. Not that I am sporting a disingenuous front of happy, but PCT group dynamics paired with extreme physical and emotional conditions have surely influenced my personality. It makes me curious about the self-definition process occurring for all the trainees. I imagine we all feel prompted to find a comfortable niche to fill, a role to play, a way to be useful. Historically, I have been the giggly (slash flirty?) entertainer, but never have I been so relied upon for my energy. It is both daunting and flattering, provides both pressure and purpose.

In any case, since last Tuesday, which was easily my worst day in country so far, I have rediscovered my bearings and my optimism. Just in time too, since the Adrar group is rapidly falling victim to illness. About half of us (me luckily not included) are sick enough to skip protocol (essentially last minute, haphazard meetings with local government officials) and decline delicious Atar fast food (camel sandwiches and orange fantas). Runs are frequent: me to the nearby butig, i.e. Mauritanian convenience store, for ice and the sick PCTs to Tyler’s bathroom. Due to increased traffic, we affectionately christened it the shit pit. Note to self: while Tyler is a great example to follow, his toilet setup is not.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Atar-bound

At 110km per hour, the Peace Corps car pounds down a barely paved road. The sun set an hour ago, but even with the windows down, sweat still pours down the curve of my calves, the small of my back, my modestly covered forearms. Twilight is fading to black and I nod off in spite of the wind, which is stifling, deafening and hot.

The car bounces over a pothole, and I wake to see my hand draped over the window frame, illuminated by an orange moon. I see my fingernails stained red from henna, the glint of a chunky metallic ring, my bronzed skin melting into the moonlit brown of the Adrar desert. For a moment, I don’t recognize the hand as mine.

The color on my nails is not shiny lacquered paint; the ring wrapping my fourth finger is cheap and signifies no promises; the tint of my skin is not courtesy of the Ohio sun. I think that all this – my nails, my ring, my sun-kissed existence – is ok. Just like I think that Africa is ok. Just like the dominoes of my life falling haphazardly, sometimes without my consent or intention or intervention, is ok. I am uncertain, but content with this appraisal. My shirt slaps against my arm, wind gusts through the sleeve and over my back, and this is where I should be.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Atar-bound, part two

Back on the gudron, exactly one month after our first visit, we are headed to site for good, for permanent. Cargo includes nine volunteers, a coordinator, a driver and a few dozen empty water bottles. The landscape, parched as we are, rolls out for miles, flat and desolate. I am lucky: although without water, I am centimeters from the air conditioning and a half meter from the bug-pelted windshield. Here, I could see our destination if it weren’t still a distant point somewhere just beyond the horizon obscured by airborne sand.

The driver chews complacently on a stick, or toothbrush depending on whom you ask. He barrels down on a Toyota pickup loaded with twice as many people as it should sensibly carry. Muhammed slams on the brakes and flicks the turn signal just after we veer into oncoming traffic, a camion approximately two hundred yards away and a few stray camels. The lane change seems nonetheless death-defying as the cars we pass try to pass each other. In the middle of nowhere Mauritania, two lanes suddenly seem insufficient. After a chorus of Hassaniye curses from the coordinator and a beep (or several) from the driver, we overtake Toyota and company and hurtle northward.

Not five minutes later, a second convoy interrupts our progress, this time a train not of cars, but of goats. They are brown and black speckled and leisurely crossing the only paved path for miles. Why, given the inexhaustible expanse of the desert, are these hooved beasts irresistibly drawn to a place clearly for cars, clearly not for livestock? It is evident, as they amble across, that they have a death wish which Muhammed is only too happy to fulfill. A reprisal of curses and horn blows inspire the goats to quicken their pace and narrowly escape their mishwi fate (translation: mishwi is Mauritanian-style BBQ).

In the wind, our baggage slaps violently on the car roof. I am sleepy from twelve hours of driving and the prospect of three more. Closing my eyes, I imagine the luggage straps are rain, fat lazy drops that fall in late summer storms. I hear the “rain” and smell the musty air conditioner and feel the trembling engine. I am drowsy and disoriented and suddenly it is a decade ago. I am in a faded red Blazer in an Ohio downpour…

…until my daydream is broken by another unforeseen interruption in travel. This time there is no pickup truck, no goats, just empty inviting freeway and a Peace Corps vehicle that simply gave up in the afternoon heat. We rumble off the asphalt and sputter to a stop. The volunteers nervously murmur behind me: are we lost? Are we out of gas? Good god is the air conditioner broken??... Unfortunately, the passengers up front can provide no answers; we have no idea what happened either.

Muhammed flips off the radio and fusses with a knob I determined to be either the cruise control or the choke. He then pumps the accelerator, mumbles bismillah1, and turns the key. The engine is stubborn, resolute to avoid over-exertion in the unforgiving desert. Curses follow from the Hassaniye speakers while the volunteers – devoid of suggestions or mechanical knowhow – shift uneasily in their seats. Our driver takes a deep breath, motivated by a vehicle warming by degrees with each passing second; he turns the key a second time. A third. I scan the horizon for a tree to hide beneath, but there is no shade for what seems like kilometers. A fourth prolonged turn. I gasp bismillah and the engine catches and chugs to life.

The sandy expanse eventually surrenders to dark rocky protrusions that emerge abruptly from the dunes. They are alien against the flat, white sand but welcome as the sole topographical feature we’ve seen in hours. At first, I see only two or three crests, but an entire mountain range slowly materializes through the sandy haze. The towering peaks are delicate and timid, veiled by thick, muggy twilight. As we approach, they gradually reveal their crags, unveil shadowed ridges. I am no longer dreaming, neither blissful nor naïve, but am comfortable staring into the endless Sahara, speaking a language I barely understand, whispering prayers to a God I barely know, living a culture that is not yet mine. Whether I would share this moment with someone three thousand miles away is mostly irrelevant. Part of me wants to be here, is happy, is falling in love with Mauritania. Mashallah, since I have exactly two years to go.2




1: Bismillah is a Hassaniye word as versatile as aloha, meaning both “welcome” and “bless this food” and occasionally “please let this work.”

2: Mashallah, another ubiquitous word in the RIM, translates to “thank God.”

Friday, August 04, 2006

Revelations

field journal

What an amazing day (or two) of revelations. The only order I can muster is chronological, so here goes…

First, I wrote extensively in my cross cultural journal about my unexpected pseudo interview with Brahim re: slavery and racial tensions in Mauritania, but I feel like the discussion bears revisiting. To be honest, I had no idea why we were assigned the cross cultural slavery TDA (trainee directed activity, essentially PCV homework) since I had witnessed absolutely none in a month of living here. I wrote up the TDA, explaining that all work in my family was equally distributed and that I barely understood the assignment. After my discussion with Brahim, however, I finally started to grasp the reality and relevance of slavery here in the RIM and even noticed buried examples of racism within my family. My mother’s aversion to Erin’s elephant print skirt from Kaedi or the Pulaar music playing the other day that was decidedly “maa zeyn” (not good)… dominoes were falling into place. In any case, I was able to rewrite my TDA from a more enlightened perspective. Although I am only recently and partially educated, I feel one hundred times more prepared for my site– an overwhelmingly conservative, white moor city – than I was just last week.

Second, yesterday after our environmental timeline interview, I was able to witness firsthand the expression of what I would call white moor assimilation. Ginger’s dad Ba, a black moor living next door to a former slave community, provided a perfect – if sad – example of the very phenomenon Brahim had explained just hours before. To hear Ba claim complete equality with the bidhani (white moor) population while simultaneously accepting his own child’s hypothetical slavery… it was too surreal. Some theory I hate to see in practice, and assimilated oppression is best kept in hypotheticals.

Revelation number three: I have never met any of my siblings. This one really rocked my world, especially since I was sure I had one sister and five brothers. Turns out, I only have one brother, someone I’ve never met named Jacob who lives in Nouadhibou. Everyone else – Kadijetou sqiire, Muhammed, Lemine, Muhammed Lemine, and Haruman are all adopted. In fact, the first two, to whom I’m closest, belong to my aunt Aichetou, who prior to today was unmarried without children. Nope, she’s got a husband who visits occasionally and two kids that have been raised by her sister, my mom, Teitta. As curious as I was about my family tree, I never mustered the courage to ask beyond the obvious. Children and ages are such sensitive subjects here… And to be honest, I’d rather live in ignorance punctuated by mind blowing revelation. In other words, I’d like to live in extremes. Big surprise, I know.

Revelation number four is petty but relevant when your wordprocessor consists of a tattered notebook and a bic. You know the saying “sometimes, you get the bear, sometimes the bear gets you?” I now know the Maurtanian equivalent: “sometimes the ink bleeds on the page, sometimes it gets stuck in the pen for no apparent reason making you wish you had brought two boxes worth of pens from the States.”


Home assumes a
new location as I pack my bags again...


Final revelation: I met my dad today. This is strange, since I thought I had already met my dad two weeks ago when some man named Hassain stripped me of my Muslim name after a failed conversion attempt. I still don’t understand how, even with my then limited language skills, I could have misidentified someone as my dad and received confirmation from other family members, but I am glad to have been mistaken. The following I know now to be true:

- my dad did not try to send me home
- my dad did not try to convert me or take my name away from me in front of my mom
- my dad did not “ask me over for tea” in front of my mom (a very weird moment at the time since she just laughed)
- my dad did not suggest that my best friend Frances was my zewje (wife) and then throw strange glances in my direction

All in all, this revelation is the most pleasant. My actual dad is a true gentleman with great French and a pleasant speaking voice. It was a treat to see Teitta interact with him, up talking all night like young kids in love. It’s a shame that I leave for Kaedi tomorrow, but there is little you can do with unlimited wants and limited time. I cannot very well stay here in Sabualla and also go to site visit. Home assumes a new location as I pack my bags again.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

A day in the life

under the khyme vi Sabualla

It is what I call half dawn, when the sun is not up but the local menagerie is. I open my eyes in the faint light, stirred into consciousness by the sweetly tart smell of homemade yogurt. My grandmother Aicha rocks a goatskin attached to the tent, dripping with cultured cow’s milk. The tent fabric gently pulses overhead in rhythm with the liquid sloshes.

Lazily, I turn to my right and am nose to nose with my little sister Khadijetou. Just before sunset last night, she had held my ankles while Teitta applied henna to my calloused feet. Just after sunset, she kicked my ankles in her sleep while Teitta snored gently on the platform beside us.

More awake, I turn to my left and look across the compound. I am just in time to catch the first rays of sunlight spill over the horizon and witness the first barnyard conquest. After snagging a feathered bride, a rooster cackles triumphantly, alerting the other livestock to reply in turn. Three feet from my head, a shockingly white, newborn lamb bleats desperately for milk. I rub the sand from my eyes; time to wake up.

No sooner do I swing my legs off the platform, Teitta is on her knees peeling away plastic bags and scraping henna from my feet. The warm morning breeze is cool on my damp, pruned skin. On a normal morning, I would retreat to my kebine to wash up, but my henna is too fresh. Soap and water would wreak havoc on the delicate patterns on my toes and heels. Instead, I gingery pad into my room and throw on clothes, now two days worn. With a pang of guilt I mourn my forsaken hygiene, but quickly rationalize: the heat and humidity have fallen over the past week. Cold fronts are only relatively cold here; nevertheless, the recent respite is forcing locals into long sleeves and imported down coats. I revel in the temperature as Sabualla shivers: it’s a balmy 80 something. I decide my clothes are not yet pungent enough to wash.

I greet my brother Muhammed Lemine, his small frame bundled in a Starter jacket, and join my family on the platform. Khadijetou sqiire inherits the goatskin, Aicha stirs yogurt, and Teitta bubbles over my henna. It is so beautiful, zeyne hatte, she says, handing me a kaar of milk fresh from a sheep in the compound. Greedily, I drink the full liter, warm and frothy. The sour yogurt smell is replaced by smoky charcoal as Teitta begins the first of three cups of mint tea. I slam back three kaas before running to class, well-hennaed, mildly fragrant, full of milk, and – as usual – late.

Environmental Timeline

Three pm in Sabualla. It’s tea time. But when isn’t it tea time? The twenty-something-year-old trainees are seated obediently on a mat in front the village elders – as many as would assemble in the afternoon heat – who are exchanging the stereotypical five-minute greeting. We are silent, already having exhausted our salutation-relevant vocabulary approximately four and a half minutes ago. Included in the group of shyebaniin (elders) is Sabualla’s Imam and school director, Saalek; Ginger’s host mother, Maasora; and a reluctant elder, our youthful facilitator Brahim. The focus of our attention and interview questions, however, decidedly belongs to Ba, Ginger’s host father. Over three quarters of a century old, his body is frail, his dark skin creased by the sun, his eyes entirely sightless. Withered as his physical presence is, his wit is twice as sharp, and the harsh sounds that escape his leathery throat – a version of Hassaniye indecipherable to us foreigners – nevertheless command our attention.

Daylight is a precious commodity in a village without electricity, so we begin once the greetings trail off. One of the trainees pummels Brahim with a do\en or so questions, at least the entirety of our planned interview plus several alternate translations. I wonder silently how many and how well they translate, especially since her two-minute onslaught is conveniently economised to a succinct thirty seconds. I opt for patience, allowing the interview to unfold as it will. And unfold it does.

Our laundry list of questions concerning the environmental history of Sabualla appropriately yield a story about a lion. One of those “you-wouldn’t-believe-it” kind of stories. Ba’s eyes absolutely sparkle behind clouded lenses as a memory resurfaced. He remembers his grandfather remembering a young man walking from his village to the then swampy river with a small traditional weapon as his only defense. There are rumors of a lion versus man tangle. When the young man does not return as promised, his parents naturally think him dead. Days later, however, the young man is found, boasting of his mortal battle and lucky victory. “This big deal,” Brahim explains while Ba continues with gory details and inexhaustible admiration for the young man. “Only someone very courageux, mtiin, very strong could do this,” Brahim says. Very little is lost in the trilingual translation, if only because the old man’s gestures compensate for missing words.

We finally redirect attention, both ours and Ba’s, and arrive at the single most defining environmental “story” of Mauritania: the drought. Although the drought began in the sixties and has persisted since, the drought indisputably refers to the years between 1973 and 1978, half a decade without rain. At all. Existence in the RIM organizes itself around these five years, which serve not only as the most important event in Mauritanian environmental history, but seemingly the only event.

Ba recalls his childhood and methodically taps his tisbih, or Muslim prayer beads. Click. Plastic disks and round balls, colored the burnt orange of faded henna, slide down the leather cord. Click. Hypnotic, methodical. Click. Deliberately, distractedly, he slides the disks into each other. Click. His account of pre-drought conditions is almost mythical: jungle so dense you could not navigate a straight path, and trees so thick you could not find the road or your cattle or a place to raise your khyme. To say resources were plentiful would be a gross understatement. An entire shaariit of wood sold for a single ougiye; villagers were kept from crops during uninterrupted weeks-long rains; you could barely walk the landscape without encountering packs of hyenas, herds of giraffe and gazelle, and other various troupes of untranslatable fauna. Brahim could not even begin to name the hundreds of trees Ba could identify – it was sufficient to say they were big, green and everywhere.

Ba was born in a town not far from Sabualla in the 1930s. He remembers when they planted the date palms, imported from Tidjikja by camel. As a small boy, he was bribed with cookies to water the seedlings whose descendants now tower over fields of stunted sahelian shrubs. He remembers when his tribe made the short journey to settle in what is now Sabualla. He remembers when they built that house, that house right there, he says, a structure of mud and cement, crumbling and struggling against fifty years of desert. He remembers having to wait until the dry season to farm, after the shemams – seasonal lakes – had receded, leaving perfectly saturated, fertilized agricultural interruptions in dense forests. He remembers moving to Senegal briefly, not for lack of resources or means of income, but merely for curiosity about a big city in the south. He remembers as he absent-mindedly clicks his orange beads.

Urged by American conceptions of time constraints, we push Brahim to ask about the drought. We expect the tone to darken, but instead Ba and Brahim are laughing, suddenly applauding a response I expect has little to do with our drought inquiry. A lion, Brahim explains through giggles, he is telling me of a lion that he met himself. For every ten words Brahim translates, Ba says thirty and punctuates his story with gestures his frail body should not be able to do. We gather, as he ducks down against a pillow, covers his head with his bony arms and yells, that the lion was an unexpected encounter, arousing more fear than courage. Ba gestures like he is washing his hands, his elbows, his face and Brahim hardly needs to translate: Ba had furiously prayed to avoid the lion and live to tell the tale. We understand now his earlier story was merely a frame, a preface to his own experience, which we inadvertently interrupted with silly questions about trees and droughts. I express adequate wonder and admiration for his “bravery” and slowly grasp the Mauritanian method of story telling slash interviewing. We have been sitting on these mats for only an hour, but it feels like seven in the way a soul mate instantly feels like a lifelong friend. It makes me hope someday I have a story that is worth telling.

We wander back on topic, and Ba does somber up. The drought was simply unbelievable in its duration and destruction. One day, it just stopped raining and the animals either migrated or died. The few trees that survived were used ignorantly to feed livestock which also eventually died. Vegetation adapted for rain while the fertile floodplains suffocated. The drought was a perfect antibiotic and Mauritania was effectively stripped of its life.

Unexpectedly, the mood shifts again, back in a more jovial direction. Ba remembers his lion again, and the four women eaten just the week before. He had prayed amidst their remains and could we believe it?? I am suddenly nostalgic for my first days in Sabualla as Ba reviews the body parts he saw: raas, saag, kersh… a veritable lesson in Hassaniye anatomy, more grim than that taught by my host mother just weeks before. Luckily, Brahim spares us the second round of gory details and allows us to translate the old man’s story best we can with Western ears.

When the conversation completes its tangent, we discuss post-drought flora, both wild and cultivated. The only trees to survive the seventies were “non native” species that all but characterize the Mauritanian landscape today: aisin, acacia and the ubiquitous turga, erroneously cursed by locals as a cause rather than a symptom of drought. Despite the painful lack of trees, shemam farming has given way to slash and burn agriculture, euphemistically called teleywi. Cutting down a plot of trees and burning the stumps yields several results: live fencing via the remaining perimeter trees, a year’s worth of fertilized soil, increased millet harvests, and a practical justification for deforestation. With limited resources, however, there is little else to do; the flood plain has been barren for thirty years.

To be fair, neither slash and burn agriculture nor rampant deforestation is common anymore. The extended drought conditions have birthed a new environmental consciousness, even if Mauritania had yet to codify a vocabulary for it. Mauritanians and Sabuallans in particular appreciate the value of trees and embrace their newly required stewardship role. Ba mentions recent dune stabilization projects, new chapters in his long Sabualla history. Two projects, he explains through Brahim, began and failed in the late nineties. The self-diagnosed impediment was not one of motivation, but one of want: want of fencing against ravenous goats, want of water when the season’s first rain is merely a tease followed by weeks of deadly drought… it is clear, the elements kill both seedlings and local initiative. Will you continue dune stabilization projects, we ask? The elders rebound the question without skipping a beat: isn’t that why you are here?

The trainees ended the meeting with a more intimate understanding of Mauritania’s environmental history, her present-day crisis, and wealth of character found in her oldest inhabitants. 1973 to 1978 is not merely a span of time to place casually on a calendar. It was the social and environmental turning point for an entire country. In the seventies, herdsman lost their livelihoods and learned to sell charcoal for income. Farmers forgot the dense forests and cultivated an unfounded hatred for turga “weeds.” A new turning point is surely on the horizon, however, one in which Mauritanians exist harmoniously with nature, under a new set of rules, under a new definition of sustainability. To ask Ba what has changed within his lifetime is a ludicrous question. Everything has changed, much of it recently for the better. Mauritania is on the cusp of an environmental awareness, as is the globe for that matter, after whose awakening everything with change again. Well, everything except decades-old pride over a battle with a ferocious lion. Some things remain, thankfully, consistent.

Busted Burms

field journal

Gardening took longer than I expected tonight. Watering and weeding, usually uneventful, was tainted with an unpleasant discovery: someone tore up Ginger’s plot. The perfectly straight lines dug through her burms and rows seemed deliberate but entirely illogical to our American gardening sensibilities. Territorial maybe? Perhaps by “feel free to use this space for your plots,” the women’s cooperative really meant “you can use this space until we feel the need to reclaim it with picks and hoes, thanks.” We will ask Brahim about it tomorrow; I’m sure something has been lost – and can be recovered – in translation.

We mourned the destruction with a late hike, chatting about host families and food and sexual frustration and melifas and affectation and everything. Each day, we find something more in common, forget past misunderstandings, become closer. This makes me feel so collectively accomplished, like we had an unspoken, unidentifiable goal and we all rose to the challenge. Dumb as it sounds, I had the time of my life trudging up a grassy dune discussing which breakfast cereal we missed the most. Dodging turga, livestock and issbil (manure); sighing over a spectacular sunset; groaning with nearly forgotten culinary cravings… it doesn’t get much better than this.

I felt bad getting home so late post-hike since I had to renege on two promises: milking a sheep with my mom Teitta and cutting my little brother’s hair. We rescheduled both activities for tomorrow night, maahi mushkile (no problem) and opted for a late dinner with a side of conversation – my favorite.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Supervolunteer

field journal

SQUEAL! I am an absolute dork but sometimes I cannot suppress my own giddy, nonsensical outbursts. Bahenna, my evaluator, was scheduled to visit Sabualla at 3pm, which of course means closer to four o’clock something, inshallah. The trainees dutifully assembled chez Brahim and passed time browsing though old pictures stored on digital cameras. Unbeknownst to us, during our failed trip to Boghe, Ginger had been filming from the back seat. She captured our reckless weaving between turge, incredulous giggles (“is this really a road, Brahim?”) and the clairvoyant cursing just before our tires sank into the mud. We watched the video and rewatched it until we were sobbing with laughter.

As if that bonding moment was not enough, my interview with Bahenna went spectacularly as well. He finally arrived to room full of cackling, tear-stained faces around 5pm, not bad for an inshallah.

When Keith raved about my PCV potential, I believed him, but a self-denigrating piece of me always wondered if he was just overly proud of his sector. Doubt is never really pretty. But Bahenna echoed the praise during my interview, and showered me with compliments and congratulations. Everyone enjoys my company, appreciates my cheerful demeanor, and thinks me competent to boot. At one point, he assured me I would be a super volunteer, an appraisal I immediately combined into a compound word and paired with tights, a cape, and a trusty Nalgene bottle: SUPERVOLUNTEER. Nothing short of a theme song, I had become a comic book hero.

I am relieved to have made such an impression, not only with my coordinator but with the entire Peace Corps staff. A tinge of modesty slash doubt reminds me not to be pompous, proud or self-satisfied. I’ll try not to rain on my own parade while still keeping my head to a manageable size.